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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Argumentativeness

The phrase "argumentative teen" Seems redundant. Adolescents often have the verbal ability of an adult, and they also have the energy to push an issue to infinite lengths. Sometimes they argue to be provocative and get a reaction from you, but more often than not they argue as a way of resisting a limit you have imposed. They will give many reasons why you're wrong about your position on a curfew, a behavior problem, or a school problem. Sometimes their reasons even contradict each other. Welcome to a teenage world! To a teenager the goal of an argument is not the truth, but it's freedom.

As a parent though you need to listen and try to understand where they are coming from. Kids need their parents to hear what they have to say, But at the same time be the parent, you have the final say.


Type of Argument-

Home is where teenagers forge their ability to question, think for themselves, and take responibility for their lives. There can be healthy arguing and unhealthy aruging, however your job as a parent is to encourage the healthy side of argument and and not allow the unhealthy side. Arguing can help them develop an increased sense of ownership over their lives. If your teen is sincerely open about the matter and isn't challenging you simply to get his/her way, don't shut them down. This is a great time for them to learn and gleen information and viewpoints from you. Instead, encourage them to continuing to seek what the truth is in the content of the argument. But if you notice that the arguments are a constant, that your ten argues about every issue and problem, and that they are relentless, then you may need to address the argumentativeness itself as a problem.


How to Handle arguments-

First off when you find yourself in a argument with your teenager be openminded and attempt to see their point of view on the matter. Sometimes they may have a partially correct point of view, and this is a great teaching time to show them why they are right and wrong. however if your teenager is going around in circles and refuses to see your point of view, don't be afraid to set a limit to the arguement. Though you want to hear your teen out, when you realize that your teen is arguing to change your mind, put a limit on how far the conversation goes. Parents who don't do this are trianin teens to think that people will give them all the time in the world to wear them down. Not good preparation for becoming a sucessful adult. At some point you may need to say something like "Phillip I think I understand your thinking about the car. You think my suggestions for having a limit on where you go isn't fair, and you think I am overreacting. The negotiation and compromise haven't worked this time. So I will have to say no." If Phillip continues with another reason, you may want to say, "I think I've heard all the reasons and thoughts you have. So I'm ending this conversation now. Maybe we can return to it later, but for now, I want ot talk about something else." If Phillip still instinsts on arguing with you don't be afraid to say something like "I'm thinking you're becoming disrepectful now. So I'm going to leave your room and give you a little time for yourself. If you continue this conversation at this point, there will a consequence. Remember it's not your job to get your teen to agree with you or to be happy with you. Your job is to love them and help them live within the parameters of resonable realities. Everybody has to submit to authority at times, so don't be afraid to pull the authority card out, remember you are their parent. God has entrusted you to raise them by his standard.

Suppose that you have done all the above and your teen inists on arguing to the point of distraction. It may be time to set a limit. Sometimes these limit will mean that you put a consequence in with them as well. So if you are arguing about a curfew that you have set and they want to stay out an hour later than that curfew, don't be afraid to let them know that if they keep arguing this point that the curfew will be move up another hour. But when you do this be sure to follow through. The worst thing you can do with a teenager is to set consquence and then not follow through with it. Argumentative teens almost always need to experience consquences, as they are often used to a parent who gives in and gives up. So talk with your teen, set the limit, and then keep it.

Keep the future in mind. You want your teen to become an adult who can challenge and confront others. But you also want them to know when it's time to fold his cards and accept the way things are. That is the way of wisdom.

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