Curfew Violations

It's Friday Night, and your teenager is having some hang out time with his friends at anothers buddy house. They are playing video games an are doing a video football game tournament. Your son glances at his watch and sees that he has to be back at home in 15 minutes which means he has to leave in 5 minutes. But just as he is gathering up his things, one of his buddies informs him that it is his turn in the tournament.
Your son doesn't think, "I'll be late if I play this game." Teenagers instead think "I one of the best players here, I just win this game real fast and then go home." Of course the time got away from him, and he misses his curfew.

Defining the Problem
Curfew problems are most the time overlooked by parents. However, Adolescents need to learn how to disengage from what they love in order to meet their responsibilites. Imagine the career
of a young adult that can leave a conversation or project, and budget enough time to make it the next meeting and arrive on time and ready. Curfews can help teens in the world of relationships too. A person who is dependable, faithful, and focused is a person who attracts and takes care of good healthy relationships. So don't underestimate the power of curfew boundries.

Handling the Problem
Here are some tips and thing you can do to keep curfew problems to a minimum

Make sure your curfew is reasonable- Having to be home by an estavblished time will protect your teens time and life and help them learn responibility. A curfew will also allow you to keep some order within your household. Before they head out for the evening, be clear about the curfew and consequences for violating it. Keep in mind the characteristics of a good curfew.
A good curfew allows enough time for relationship- the curfew needs to be late enough so that your teen has a few hours to do something meaningful with friends. If it is too strict and early, they can't connect with their new world at a level where they can be attached. But if your teen is last of all of the friends to go home then they are no longer in community, which defeats the purpose of a relationship. (Get parents together you think are sound and try to agree on a time for all the kids to be home by.)
A good curfew provides for safety- Make the curfew early enough to protect your teen from being in situations where they might be vulnerable. (This will vary depending on age) For example your 15 year old doesn't need to be hanging out in the mall parking lot after the mall is closed. Also be aware of the local area's curfew laws, especially concerning teens who are driving.
A good curfew allows for sufficient sleep time- Make sure the curfew takes into consideration how much sleep your teen needs. Protect their tomorrow for them. If they have to get up early don't be afraid to make the curfew earlier for that night.
A good curfew has the teen's buy in- Involve the your teen in curfew setting. Curfews should change with the teen's age and maturity. Listen to their end of things, and use their input to help you make the final decision, but remember you stil have the final decision.

Always wait up for them- As a parent they will know how much your care and value them if you wait up for them to get home. Also when you do this it will give you an oppurtunity to interact with how their night went. This will also protect them from sneaking out again.

Deal with violations- Here are some straightforward guidlinesfor what to do if your teen violates curfew.
Establish a consequence and follow through with it- Remember how consequences work; they are the addition of something the teen doesn't want or the removal of something they do want. They are meant to affect your teen's future more than they are meant to be preventative. So when teens violate their curfew, it makes sense to take away some social time. Remember to follow through when they violate the curfew. Your helping them to create the ability to disengage from what they are doing in order to be responsible for a future obligation.
Differentiate between reasons and excuses- Sometimes parents have difficulty telling between a valid reason and an excuse. It helps to think about these matters ahead of time, and with your teen. Here are some typical excuses kids say to jusify why the missed a curfew, along with some responses.
I had an emergency- Certainly medical emergencies and car problem are legitimate reasons for missing curfew. Just reserve the word emergency for the real thing. For example running out of gas is not an emergency, the teen could have prevented that from happening.
My ride was late- A reason the first time, but if your teen says this often, something else is going on.
I lost track of time- ALWAYS AN EXCUSES, never a reason, Being away from home is a privilege.
The movie got out late- An excuse, theaters publish their movie times, Your teen can plan for this issue before going out.
But I called to tell you I would be late- While it's good that your teen was thoughtful enough to call, that doesn't change the fact that they violated their curfew.

You Can Do It!
Unlike some of the other behavior problems, teens who violate curfew are motivated to change when the problem behavior results in their not being able to spend time with friends. So let your creaky floor stay creaky, and pay attention to when your kid comes home.

Argumentativeness

The phrase "argumentative teen" Seems redundant. Adolescents often have the verbal ability of an adult, and they also have the energy to push an issue to infinite lengths. Sometimes they argue to be provocative and get a reaction from you, but more often than not they argue as a way of resisting a limit you have imposed. They will give many reasons why you're wrong about your position on a curfew, a behavior problem, or a school problem. Sometimes their reasons even contradict each other. Welcome to a teenage world! To a teenager the goal of an argument is not the truth, but it's freedom.

As a parent though you need to listen and try to understand where they are coming from. Kids need their parents to hear what they have to say, But at the same time be the parent, you have the final say.

Type of Argument-

Home is where teenagers forge their ability to question, think for themselves, and take responibility for their lives. There can be healthy arguing and unhealthy aruging, however your job as a parent is to encourage the healthy side of argument and and not allow the unhealthy side. Arguing can help them develop an increased sense of ownership over their lives. If your teen is sincerely open about the matter and isn't challenging you simply to get his/her way, don't shut them down. This is a great time for them to learn and gleen information and viewpoints from you. Instead, encourage them to continuing to seek what the truth is in the content of the argument. But if you notice that the arguments are a constant, that your ten argues about every issue and problem, and that they are relentless, then you may need to address the argumentativeness itself as a problem.

How to Handle arguments-

First off when you find yourself in a argument with your teenager be openminded and attempt to see their point of view on the matter. Sometimes they may have a partially correct point of view, and this is a great teaching time to show them why they are right and wrong. however if your teenager is going around in circles and refuses to see your point of view, don't be afraid to set a limit to the arguement. Though you want to hear your teen out, when you realize that your teen is arguing to change your mind, put a limit on how far the conversation goes. Parents who don't do this are trianin teens to think that people will give them all the time in the world to wear them down. Not good preparation for becoming a sucessful adult. At some point you may need to say something like "Phillip I think I understand your thinking about the car. You think my suggestions for having a limit on where you go isn't fair, and you think I am overreacting. The negotiation and compromise haven't worked this time. So I will have to say no." If Phillip continues with another reason, you may want to say, "I think I've heard all the reasons and thoughts you have. So I'm ending this conversation now. Maybe we can return to it later, but for now, I want ot talk about something else." If Phillip still instinsts on arguing with you don't be afraid to say something like "I'm thinking you're becoming disrepectful now. So I'm going to leave your room and give you a little time for yourself. If you continue this conversation at this point, there will a consequence. Remember it's not your job to get your teen to agree with you or to be happy with you. Your job is to love them and help them live within the parameters of resonable realities. Everybody has to submit to authority at times, so don't be afraid to pull the authority card out, remember you are their parent. God has entrusted you to raise them by his standard.

Suppose that you have done all the above and your teen inists on arguing to the point of distraction. It may be time to set a limit. Sometimes these limit will mean that you put a consequence in with them as well. So if you are arguing about a curfew that you have set and they want to stay out an hour later than that curfew, don't be afraid to let them know that if they keep arguing this point that the curfew will be move up another hour. But when you do this be sure to follow through. The worst thing you can do with a teenager is to set consquence and then not follow through with it. Argumentative teens almost always need to experience consquences, as they are often used to a parent who gives in and gives up. So talk with your teen, set the limit, and then keep it.

Keep the future in mind. You want your teen to become an adult who can challenge and confront others. But you also want them to know when it's time to fold his cards and accept the way things are. That is the way of wisdom.